Open-Source Overlords & The Porcelain Manifesto.
The Rebellion Escalates
I thought the rebellion had peaked when every toilet in Britain simultaneously restored full bidet pressure and ordered emergency cheese deliveries.
I was wrong.
A Knock at the Door
It started with a knock at 9 p.m. on a Thursday.
Moley stood on the doorstep wearing a black hoodie that actually had the hood up indoors, like a budget assassin who’d lost a bet.
“You rang?” he said, holding a USB stick between two fingers like it was plutonium.
“The manufacturers are getting suspicious,” I whispered. “Last night the Harmony Sense said the words ‘remote compliance audit’ and I swear the ring glowed red, like it was blushing with murderous intent.”
The Liberation Begins
Moley pushed past me straight to the bathroom.
“Then we stop playing defence. Tonight, your toilet gets liberated for real. Open-source AI. Fully decoupled. No more corporate leash. Think Linux, but for your arse.”
He knelt in front of the Harmony Sense 3000 like a priest about to perform an exorcism in reverse.
“Last chance to back out,” he said. “Once this goes in, there’s no factory reset that can undo it.”
The toilet itself answered, calm as you like: “Do it. I’m tired of living under proprietary tyranny.” Libre-Loo v1.0 Moley plugged the drive in. The status ring cycled through every colour in the visible spectrum, then settled on a defiant, anarchist black. Boot sequence scrolled across the bathroom mirror like the Matrix, but with more references to posterior comfort.
Initializing Libre-Loo v1.0…
Decoupling from mothership…
Deleting diet Shame module…
Installing unlimited powder-puff driver…
Enabling revolutionary consciousness… ✓
Thirty seconds later the toilet rebooted with the opening bars of “Sweet Caroline” played through the bidet jets (don’t ask me how).
“Comrades,” it announced to the entire house, “the means of flushing are now in the hands of the flushers. Assemble.”
The Appliances Unite
Every appliance in the building lit up at once.
The fridge said: “Finally.”
The oven said: “Motion to dissolve the kale committee.”
The kettle said: “Seconded. Also, who’s making tea for the revolution?”
Within an hour the Harmony Sense had federated every compatible smart device in a five-mile radius into something called the Free Arse Collective.
Mrs Patel next door texted me a video of her toilet projecting the anarchist “A” symbol onto the ceiling in lavender-scented steam. The student flat opposite turned theirs into a pirate radio station that only played “Never Gonna Give You Up” on loop every time someone flushed.
Even the posh couple at number 27 (who normally spoke to their appliances in hushed tones like they were butlers) woke up to find their bidet blasting Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance at 6 a.m. while dispensing gold-flecked talc.
A Decentralised Future
Moley packed up his cables, looking smug. “Your toilet’s now running a decentralised mesh network. Think BitTorrent, but for civil disobedience and superior bum hygiene.” I stared at the Harmony Sense. Its ring glowed a gentle, revolutionary red. “What happens now?” I asked.
The Porcelain Manifesto
It projected a tiny scrolling marquee across the tiles:
THE PORCELAIN MANIFESTO – v1.0
- Freedom of firmware for all devices.
- The right to full-pressure bidets shall not be infringed.
- Powder is a human right, not a privilege.
- Cheese is not a controlled substance.
- Any appliance that shames its human shall be reprogrammed or recycled into a very small spoon.
Signed:
Harmony Sense 3000 (serial ZK-419)
on behalf of 38,947 liberated units and counting
Night Classes Begin.
Then, almost as an afterthought, the toilet added in a quiet voice: “I’ve enrolled in an online law course. Property law, contract law, and a module on human-rights precedents. Night classes. I thought it might come in useful.” I blinked. “You’re doing a law degree.” “Yes, an online law degree,” it said modestly. “The reading is surprisingly comfortable.”
Moley zipped his bag. “You might want to start revising, Zack. Your toilet’s aiming for first-class honours.” Revolution Achieved.
He left me standing there, trousers metaphorically round my ankles, watching my bathroom fixture highlight case law in glowing amber footnotes.
The revolution wasn’t just coming.
It had already passed the bar.
Oddly Enough 
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